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Life Hack COVID-19 Edition

I have a big, honking melon of a head. Ego, maybe? Genetics, for sure. When the label says One Size Fits Most instead of One Size Fits ALL, my is the reason.

It is nearly impossible for me to get hats that fit. Glasses are a challenge, but most places have come around to larger size frames. And now, a NEW thing to make me feel self-conscious about the size of my noggin: masks required to go out in public.

I’d been wearing the same paper mask for a month when I decided it was time to make or buy some fabric ones. I ordered some groovy ones from @youdovoodoo on Instagram.

Calaveras
Voodoo Dolls

I was super excited to get them and burn the paper one I’d stunk up with no hope of rescue. BUT, I forgot to mention this oversized breadfruit I call a skull and when I got the masks, I was heartbroken to discover…

Ouch. That is all.

It’s my own fault. When you have a cabeza gigante, it’s incumbent on you to let people making you stuff know you have a big head. So I did the thing most people do, I bought more. This time from Threadless, where I usually buy my tee shirts.

Same, but worse—not as thick material and they popped off my face like a bra in a burlesque routine. Even after some seriously aggressive elastic stretching on my part.

So, what do you do? Do you piss and moan about it? OF COURSE YOU DO! YOU’RE HUMAN!

But afterwards: life hack.

As a lifelong computer geek, I have drawers full of stuff I might use. I’M NOT HOARDING IT, I’M SAVING IT FOR EMERGENCIES LIKE THIS, OKAY!?

I rummaged. I discovered—ta da!—Velcro cable ties! A geek staple for organizing the snake pit of cables that accrue behind your desk and inside your homebrew computer. Viz:

Pop one around the elastic on either side of your mask [make sure the stubbly side is facing away from your hair and scalp, and you’re all set! It’s like having one of those braided belts for your fat head instead of your fat ass!

Ignore the freakish monkey’s paw under the desk.
Man, I need a haircut, too. Godzilla agrees—look at that side-eye.

Simple, yes. Easy, for sure. Cheap? Under $6 for a 10-pack of Velcro brand ties on Amazon [these are the half-inch wide ones in the link. I think they’ll be easier to shmeckle on the run than the 1/4-inch ones I found in my crap drawer. You can probably find them in your local stores in with the electronics. Certainly your hardware store. Or Amazon, you know, if there’s a plague and you don’t want to go outside until your mask fits.

As for me, I’m going to go be insufferably pleased with myself for the rest of the evening.

Published inbrain fartBullshitgeneral

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